By Maggie Rogers


'Twas the night before Rush, when all through the Frat

Not a bro was stirring, not even a rat;

The American flag was hung by the beer pong table with care,

In hopes that hot bitches soon would be there;


The lax bros were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of 30-racks danced in their heads;

And Tyler in his Lebron jersey, and I in my backwards cap,

Had just settled down for a good long fap,


In mid jerk there arose such a noise,

I sprang from the bed to investigate with my boys.

Blue balls on point but I’ll finish later,

Even though I’m surrounded by dudes seriously I couldn’t be straighter.


The moon shining bright on the front lawn below,

My boys and I huddled so close #nohomo,

When, what to our fucking surprise should appear,

But the whole lacrosse team in their sweaty post game gear,


With the little team captain, so stocky and thick,

Fuck, dude, fuck, dude stop thinking about his dick.

More eager than game point in a flip cup match,

We begged them to party and talk about snatch;


"Now, Chad! Now, John! Now, Drew and Tanner!

On Tyler! on Blake! on, Derek and Xander!

To the top of the window! to the top of the wall!

Now till the sweat drop down my balls! My balls!


As excited as Kanye telling us to touch the sky,

The browski’s came in and turned the house into a sty,

Drinking games galore and sorority girls too,

We threw the best rager that could’ve passed for Animal House 2.


And then, in a moment, I caught eyes with Lindsey,

I lifted my head from the toilet post puke with mega cute whimsy.

As I looked in her eyes, I saw a glimmer,

Of a girl who is DTF and would totally give me a rimmer.


She had a slamming body, but I hate to admit,

That all I wanted was to smoke weed, hit it, and quit;

Up to my bedroom, we told everyone we would be right back,

Before the door was even closed she grabbed my sack.


Her eyes -- how they twinkled! her demeanor so scary!

My guy she beat the shit out me, it made me quite wary.

This girl didn’t want my body she wanted my shit,

Who the fuck told her my parents are filthy fucking rich?!;


She knocked me out cold and I lost some teeth,

She took my rolex, my macbook, my Juul, and my WEED;

Then in that moment my roommate Chad busts in,

He held me as I cried, damn he is such a good friend.


Totally not in a gay way he made me feel better,

I rallied and decided to go make some more bitches wetter.

And in that moment, it hit me so fast,

This stupid life I am living is not a blast;


Frat parties, money, girls, and expensive drugs too,

There has to be more to life than talking about my balls being blue,

But wait, that would take thought and a lot of self-work,

I have never tried to get anything not given to me from birth;


Whoa dude slow down are you fucking crazy?!,

Your life is fucking made just sit back and be lazy.

LOL at the thought of what a soft bitch I could have been,

Now throw me another Natty Broseph I’m about to go in!